Letters Thursday

Red Alert

2007-04-04T18:40:00.000-04:00

Dear Morning Eye Opener,

Please close up shop. No one wants to see that sort of madness at such an hour of the day. Night is the language of rock. Rock the cock. Stunt the cunt. Take some mad pills and erase the rest. You only need so much. Don't call it foreplay. Foreplay is what we call the actions of which the importance of we are attempting to downplay. But all of it's fun to me. Foreplay doesn't even exist because it's all business when I get down to business. The messier the better. Hell, you can just take a bath later. Smoke a cigarette. Drink a cup of coffee. The morning eye opener.

Get back to work,
- The Bearded Bandit

Too Hot to Handle and I've Only Got Two Hands

2007-01-18T20:48:00.000-05:00

Dear Fate//God//None of the Above,

It's either none at all or far too much. You solved my dilemma last week; yes I was perhaps somewhat broken, but I was free to explore the world of hopeful possibility. Now am I to be handed another dream-killing reality slice? A shard of something that may make or break any crap I've been plotting? A slice and shard I might very well like to be cut by?

I'm too much in lust for this.

Wontly no one's,
Jezebel

We Just Want You to Get Drunk and Have Sex with ONE of Us

2006-12-14T12:10:00.000-05:00

Dear Crayon,

Thank you for telling me I am sexy. And that I'm sexy because I am confidant. And because I'm sexually confidant. I'm not doing anything later; let's talk.

Love,
Former Co

I Like Real Ones Too II

2006-12-10T13:15:00.000-05:00

Dear Friend with Benies,

That's a very good start.

Love,
Your Pleasantly Plump Rocker

I Like Real Ones Too

2006-12-09T16:21:00.000-05:00

Dear Friend with Benies,

Where are my benies?

Love,
Your Pleasantly Plump Rocker

9 Inches and Thick

2006-11-16T02:27:00.000-05:00

Dear Ted in Alabama, My Dream Come True, and Biggest Cock This Side of the Mississippi,

Why do you call? I reassure myself by thinking you are more desperate than me. But why do I call? Those nights when it's 2 AM and I come home from the bars alone and I have no one and I'm horny and ten second internet porn clips just won't cut it anymore...I get off on you getting off on me getting off. I'll be your schoolgirl, your naughty secretary, your next door neighbor mowing the lawn...but we both know we mean nothing to each other. You're just a voice, and this is just my hand.

Fuck me harder,
36DD in Detroit

Dear Green Sphere

2006-11-12T07:47:00.000-05:00

You are so very squishy,

just like my heart.

-With a slowing tick,
-The Hands of Time.

Polynesian Intuition

2006-11-05T21:19:00.000-05:00

Dear Bread Spread,

Too bad she considers it cheating, cause you missed some good lap dances…and apparently looking at titties is worse than getting your &%*! #*@&ed. You only want me when we are outside the pussy whip jurisdiction…you’ll grab my ass in Escanaba but at the Marquette city limits its back to chaste high fives. Your window of opportunity is fast closing; you missed it last time; my rationale, guilt, and respectability (or what is left) will soon take over again.

Love,
The Other Woman

Dear Corporate Comedic Outlet

2006-10-19T14:46:00.000-04:00

Dear Corporate Comedic Outlet,

This was a day for talent, this was a day for dreams, this was a day for originality, THIS was a day for OPEN MIC NITE! But you CRUSHED our talents, our dreams, our originality, our OPEN MIC NITE just to fulfill your own heartless advertising with your comedic contest. This was OUR nite, and you stole the show. Your comics were tasteless, unoriginal, and offensive; all except for one. A friend. A colleague. A damn funny man. Now if there is any justice in the world he would have won. In fact, he DID win. Justice has been served with a side of fame, because that's what he is going to get. London Town look out! There's a storm rolling your way, and its name is Edwin Porter-Daniels.

With an overjoyed disgust,
- The Betrayed Kazooist.

!@#$

2006-10-19T10:15:00.000-04:00

Dear Flogging, Cocking, Fucking, Bristle Faced, Butter Nutted, Cranberry Flavored Drizzle Berry,

What the fucking, freaking, fag-shazzled, marg-o-wartizzling, ramshackled, grahzny, callish, forsaken, watershed, bone-shanked, crank-shafting, grizzlebee, goddamn, rednecked, bluethumbed, greenfaced, and cum-shellacked bastard (and you have gangrene). You motherfucking, grandstand, last calling, frizzle fried, beach whaling, ass bagging, broken elbowed, kneeless, flucking, bright-eyed, starry-skied, wee-ninny of an Amsterdam breadhouse that can't sloshy the backwooded, no good, mint flavored, dick-skewering, Alcatrazinationacariononion edification of the black ghost that never fucking, Christ-knifing even wanted your help in the first fucking, god-forsaken, back-breaking place. Now eat shit, die, regenerate, copulate, opitulate, fornicate, be irate, investigate, sleep with Nate, reiterate, cook the tate, flam-boilate, masticate (the shit, of course), ninja-icate, fight with fate, show up real late, throw the bait, and then finish it off with some smooth masturbation that is well deserved after a hard day's work.

Remember to have some fucking, plee-making, rain-checking manners, why don't you!?,
- !@#$ with the ^%#$ in the &^#!!!

Breast Fed

2006-10-19T10:08:00.000-04:00

Dear Obligations,

Have you ever been fulfilled to your utmost extent? Ha, don't fucking lie to me, bitch! How does that good ol' conventional wisdom go? "You our obliged to have obligatory obligations and I promise you they will be redundant." Yeah, that sounds about right. Maybe I am too tired. Maybe I am full of excuses. But what's your excuse for all the harassment? Oh, is that so? Well you can shove that chivalry of your up your momma's cratchny you grahzny bratchny. What the cal?

Wretched little thing thou art,
- Estudy the Estudious

Driving Off Cliffs

2006-10-18T19:42:00.000-04:00

Dear Hedgecock/UC Shuffle,

Let's count this as a suicide note. I've had a good life, full of laughs, and I just wanted to share the laughs with the NMU campus. I don't understand why, if we were approved for sweet sweet funds, I have to visit at least five offices with mutliple forms, steal fax privileges from my workplace, make multiple calls to Austin, Texas, and prepare cyanide to kill myself. I'm sorry I've never organized an event. I'm sorry I don't know how this fucking run around works. I'm sorry I didn't realize it would take at least ten hours of my time to get the funds I was told were mine. I used to tolerate you with good humor, but now I am too stressed to enjoy the humor I have worked to bring.

You'll regret this when I'm swinging from the rafters,
- Co-producer

PS - What the hell is with the monkey-like ladies hiding out in the basement, typing stuff and giving out mystery checks!?

American Club

2006-09-22T09:20:00.000-04:00

Dear Class,

This get-a-way will be de-light-ful. So we all have labels? Ashley is the nark. . .Blake is the drunk. . .if we were all truthful, I'm sure I am the whore. A school trip never looked so good. . .

Love,
- Irresponsible Field Tripper

Dear Rainy Friday Morning,

2006-09-08T11:07:00.000-04:00

Dear Rainy Friday Morning,

My nose and throat have felt like shit the past couple days. I don't know whether it's because I have been smoking too much, but that's usually what I think whenever I start getting sick. Now I find that, yes, it is that time of year. So, I shouldn't worry, because, in reality, this happens like every year. How is it that I forget myself anually? Does it not seem that each year becomes drastically different from the last? Could it be that I even forget the changing of the leaves and then also have the first snow catch me by surprise? I awoke this Friday to rain. Spaceballs is on TBS. A friend just called to let me know they are coming to visit later today. I don't think I would like to know what's going to happen. Ever.

Naked in the living room,
- 'Cuz I. Can

13 Fugazi Songs and I Am Still Unconscious

2006-09-07T14:22:00.000-04:00

Dear Late Night Licker,

Did you steal my glasses? My book is on the floor. . .did I drool on it?. . .let's not talk about it. I don't know where my highlighter is, but it's 5 AM and my light is still on and I've listened to three albums without knowing it. Let's go to bed--light off, alarm set, blanket adjusted, and you on my bosom. I can't breath, you weigh too much, and you won't stop licking my face. Get the fuck out of my room.

Love when I feel like it,
- The Bitch who Buys You Food

Dear Dollar Digester

2006-08-27T00:59:00.000-04:00

Dear Dollar Digester,

You greedy clawed bastard! No matter how good an angler, the anger of defeat overwhelms all who wind your stick and engage your descent. Disappointment and empty wallets are the only glittering prizes you expel. Damn you and all your unnaturally coloured creatures! I'm buying a burrito.

- The Angered Angler

Parallel Parking on an Iceberg

2006-08-23T14:30:00.000-04:00

Dear Atmospheric Moisture,

The night you were snow; solo scared but forged to find my refuge, warmth and...welcome...I wasn't alone that night, yet now I feel I was more alone then. My realization that this wasn't for me, that I must be independant and better than this. You always lose me in misty memories that haven't any meaning besides my stupidity and saddness. So cold.

With love from the inner city bathroom. . .

A Not so Addled Adding

2006-08-14T14:50:00.000-04:00

Dear Physiological Addiction,

My name is Dylan and I smoke clove cigarettes (Physiological Addiction: "Hi, Dylan!"). I have a little bit of knowledge in psychology which has also given me a bare bit of knowledge in physiology (thank you behaviorism). I can feel myself being addicted. I see the short-lived and wonderful A effects as well as the long-lived suck-ass B effects. I know that the B effect makes me want more, if only for a small dose of satisfaction (the A effect). This is the first time in my life I have noticed any of my physiological addictions. And I admit it, you have some control. But, I don't fucking care, cause I can do what I want. We've had a good run, but you know us leos, we can only stay at something for a set amount of time. Your time is up I'm afraid. We've had good times, but I'm thru with 'em. I'll see you later today, but you better savor the next two weeks. Soon it will be over.

Once you go black, you never go back?,
- Summer Slummer

Dear Misguided Elderly

2006-07-25T02:27:00.000-04:00

Dear Misguided Elderly,

Your clothes are not quite in style, the colours not quite in nature. Your mind is not all here, your hair is not all yours. Your livers spots slowly align to the shape of the county i live in, and then move away to form a car i once owned. Your words are spoken backward, your smile is not your own. You might miss your medication, the one that holds your education, witch i must say is a limit unmistaken. You say that time holds greater knowledge, but i see you often late. The can you hold is weathered and worn, but you have faith that it will never break. You give your most beaten gaze to the youth misunderstood, misguided, and misevolved. But all the same you sit with me here, and tell me the story of a thursday 37 years before, the day you found your hope. I misunderstand you, as you misunderstand me. A conversation through a barrier of ages. I with open ears and mournful, you with filtered thoughts and grateful.

Thank you for the past,
- The Man on the Clapham Omnibus.

The Screen Door is Slammed on Her Eager Little Clitoris

2006-07-25T01:33:00.000-04:00

Dear Edumucation,

I don't remember how to spell P-Ter-O-Dac-Tyl or what 7x6 is...or rather, you never taught be those things anyway. Really, everything I need to know I learned in pornogarten:

Share everything. (use condoms to keep those toys clean!)

Play fair. (Everyone deserves a deep dicking)

Don't hit people. (Unless they forget to call you master)

Put things back where you found them. (That's where he LIKES to keep it)

Clean up your own mess. (Baby wipes)

Don't take things that aren't yours. (Unless you're a polyamorist)

Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. (Remember those safety words!)

Wash your hands before you eat. (Double important for meals below the belt)

Flush. (Some people just aren't into that, ok?)

Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. (I'll warm your cookies for you)

Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. (Kama Sutra+body paint+punani poetry+strip club=a very full work day)

Take a nap every afternoon. (Late nights make for good naps)

Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. (Watch out for those fucking seeds)

And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK. (JANE! LOOK AT DICK!)

Lust,
- Your Personal Sexpert

12 Monkeys, Oh, I mean Letters

2006-07-25T00:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Letter Writers,

OK, I'm sorry. I know it has been a long time, I'm sorry. I neglected this wonderful blog for far too long and I am sorry for it. I'm sure you were not expecting this. I'm sure this message may reach you to late, I'm sorry. To those of you that will read this in time: please help me restore this page to it's former letter-rich glory. I am counting on you more than you even imagine. Rest assured, if I have your allegance, I shall return more often. I have once forgotten, I'm sorry, but now I remember.

I am sorry,
- Your Compatriot

Sunday is the New Letters Thursday

2006-04-16T05:40:00.000-04:00

Dear Raunchy,

Fuck you.

Too late,
- A Loving Friend

Comments to 4.16.06

2006-04-16T03:00:00.000-04:00

TrixieBelden said...

Dear Unsure Femme,

To think of you whilst sleeping with someone else. I'll admit, I'm a bitch. I'm a horrible person who should rot in Hades and have my eyes poked out with flaming spears of death ray power and be roasted over open coals and forced to eat myself without any bar-be-que sauce. But it's ok, I don't mind, because you are gorgeous.

Love,
- Flustered Femme

Nick Gunzburg said...

Dear 2:38 am,

I dont care how late or early you are, im going to watch me some Never Mind The Buzzcocks!

Armed with a handheld TV with shit reception,
- A Wannabe Panellist

Anonymous said...

that is the funniest show...jess

Dylan Watkins said...

Dear Jess,

That is not in letter form, you better not let that happen ever again.

Signed,
- The Commander

Anonymous said...

Finals,

You suck up the ass. I hope that you choke on a penny , and die, or at least go away ... Didn't I pay enough for college to at least get that?

- Screwballs

TrixieBelden said...

Dear Assorted Persons,

1 I like you. 2 I lust after you. 3 I could spend the rest of my life with you. 4 I think you could be the one I've always dreamed of.1 Not enough to stay with you. 2 You won't ever want me. 3 Maybe you like me too? 4 But it's too late for us.

Love,
- Your Favorite Whore

Nick Gunzburg said...

Dear Letters Thursday,

Hey man, dont go the way of the letters monday!

Happly waiting in the queue,
- Letters Sunday

Friday is the New Thursday (Letters Tenth Anniversary)

2006-04-07T17:34:00.000-04:00

Dear Referendum '06,

God damn you are such a bitch. There is so much I could tell you right now to try and sway your opinion of who and what matters, but why waste my breath? Well, of course I will be breathing anyway, but it is more of a saying that means "why waste the effort" you asshole. Hand me that newspaper, I'm so glad we get the Financial Times for free. Us students are entirely interested in financial shit. Even though the ASNMU prez was quoted saying she knows that students are poor, she still thinks we need this sort of newspaper? I wish that bitch wouldn't be so paradoxical. Fucking mold a hamburger and put it in your axe wound.

I am not a crook,
- Gene Simmons

Comments to 4.07.06

2006-04-07T15:00:00.000-04:00

TrixieBelden said...

Dear Butt Face,

I wish I had known how cool you were two years ago so we could have been friends then. And you said you wish you had known two years ago that I was this cool, so you could be friends with me. Are you implying you wish you had met me first, because you really wanna fuck me?I'll assume that's what you mean.

Best regards,
- The Other VS

Nick Gunzburg said...

Dear Rus Goodman,

Hey Rus, hows it going? I've always wondered where the name 'Rus' came from. Maybe its short for 'Rusty' wich is short for 'Rustic'. Because we all know that your a farmin yokle from Mississippi. Don't try to hide it behind those snazzy shirts and con artist hair, we know the real you. You were born in a vegetable field with all the other onions.

With a judging ear
- A Radio-X Fan

Nine! Nine!! Nine!!! Nine!!!! Nine!!!!! Nine!!!!!! Nine!!!!!!! Nine!!!!!!!! Nine!!!!!!!!!

2006-03-30T02:37:00.000-05:00

Dear Fashion Bug,

No, wait, don't tell me, you're a taurus! Am I right?

Fabulous,
- Freddy Dingo

Comments to 3.30.06

2006-03-30T00:00:00.000-05:00

Nick Gunzburg said...

Dear Chav Brittan,

What the hell are you?! You dress in your Burberry pladness and golden cressed madness, but what are you? You hate baseball but you wear the cap of a yankee, your underclass but bath your self in shiney metalic garments. Chavs, Hoodies, Neds, Townies, Kevs, Charvers, Steeks, Spides, Bazzas, Yarcos, Ratboys, Kappa Slappers, Skangers, Scutters, Janners, Stigs, Scallies, Hood Rats, whatever you want to be called, you will never achieve the status you aim for cause your trainers are just to white for this world. Get out of my way as a walk past the homeless music man in the town centre, for i have no title and am far superior.

Culturally bewildered,
- A Cross Long Coat Wearer

TrixieBelden said...

Dear Crazy Pants,

You make me feel like I should apologize but oh wait, I didn't do anything. You act like such a god damn girl. I need a relationship in which I can be the girl. Thank goodness for Starbucks dates.

Not in love, or like, or affection with you,
- Lovely, Anonymous Person

Time for L8ers Thursday

2006-03-23T19:12:00.000-05:00

Dear Uncommitted Bassist,

I've heard of pre-arranged circumstances, but this is just too much! The band is falling apart at the seems (aaarrghhhh!!!), it is becoming all too clear to me now. You seem to believe that life is playground and that you are aloud to leave the swing set. I tell you what though, when you try to get off a swing set that is still in motion, you fall hard onto the ground. I just hope you expect to be unprepared for the landing. Bitch.

At least I've got skillz,
- Guitarist

Comments to 3.23.06

2006-03-23T15:00:00.000-05:00

Anonymous said...

Dear Dreams,

You suck! You're too abstract and constantly making me wake up angry or with really bad songs stuck in my head. I don't even remember most of you until I start yelling at people about things they never actually did. I guess it was just a dream. God those songs are aweful. I hate you, you're ruining my life!!!

Except that one time... that one time was nice... mmmm... real nice.

Involuntarily yours,
- The Sleeper

TrixieBelden said...

Dear Guitarist,

Fuck you.

At least I've got grammar skills,
- Sorry-I've-got-a-Life-Outside-the-Basement-Bassist

Nick Gunzburg said...

Deer Speling,

Yor naught teh moast importent theng en mai leif.

-Thuh Gai whith ay Bloo Pincel

Come the 7th Thursday, the Letters Rested

2006-03-16T21:02:00.000-05:00

Fuck that, yo!!!

Dear Professor,

Thanks for replying to my e-mail in such speedy regard. You are a whole lot of help when it comes to doing well in this class. Your direction and guidance has had an imeasurably wonderful effect on me. How did you realize you were meant for such a calling? If God didn't direct you, then fate surely has. And you wanna know something? Writing a 20-page research paper that is REQUIRED should only be worth 10% of a student's grade. I mean, it's not really a big effort to do a shit-ton of research and write your fucking life away. How are you so wonderfully wise and amazing? I hope I can be a as great a professor as you someday.

Just kidding,
- Star Shine (Motherfucker)

Comments to 3.16.06

2006-03-16T15:00:00.000-05:00

TrixieBelden said...

Dear Rectangle,

It seems you are destined to continue your lonely existance. Sorry I scratched you, but everytime I have a thought requiring clawing, you are there. You support my every emotion and mood. You let me dream all the stupid ideas in my head and you never talk back and you never criticize. And you are damn comfortable.

Love,
- You Know Who

Nick Gunzburg said...

Dear Room,

You are clean and organised for once in your live, enjoy it while it lasts.

With pride,
- A Habitualy Messy Student

Anonymous said...

Dear A,

As second letter in the alphabet, I feel you have held the top position for long enough. Despite your reign for thousands of years, you have failed to achieve a satifactory vocabulary. Other letter such as S have accumulated nearly twice the number of words that start with them. Therefore I am demanding your immediate resignation as first letter to allow for the free and peacful election of a new first letter.

Respectfully yours,
- B

Sexth. . . . . .Oh, I Mean Sixth Thursday. . . . . .I Mean Letters Friday

2006-03-03T03:23:00.000-05:00

Dear Letters Thursday,

Sorry that I forgot you.

With nothing else to say,
- Banana Split

Comments tp 3.03.06

2006-03-03T03:00:00.000-05:00

TrixieBelden said...

Dear Possible Truth,

I don't want to admit you, not to anyone else and especially not to myself. I didn't even really think about you until today, and now this fear is consuming me. If you really ARE the truth, your being in hiding has put me in a delicate situation. God damn it I am not smart enough to deal with this. I don't even know how to begin to figure you and your nasty little secrets out.

Pissed and scared,
- Possible Liar

Anonymous said...

Dear Suicidal Fish,

I had no idea you were even missing much less dead, yet today when I was cleaning the floor there was your dead dried out carcass. How long have you been dead? Why did you feel the need to jump? Did you see a mirage of a lake of freedom outside the tank? I guess these are questoins that will forever remain unanswered. I only hope that your soul can now forever rest in peace in the dumpster.

- One who Cares for Fish

Anonymous said...

Dear Dylan,

Don't feel too bad. I missed Thursday AND Friday.

More of a forgetful loser than you,
- Letter Saturday

Nick Gunzburg said...

(on letters Sunday)

Dear Amazingly Cool Green Jacket,

I found you among the millions of extrordinaraly amazing items in Camden Market. Out of all the brilliantly designed jumpers, the skillfully knit hats, and the cleveryly stocked trinkets, you were the one that jumped out and attacked me from behind with your wizard like qualities and pointed hood wich makes me think that i belong on an amazing adventure when i put you on. You were the best, the perfect fit, and you were only 30 quid.

A very content bargain hunter
- The Camden Goer

Anonymous said...

Dear Tretcherous Bottle,

Oh abandoner of correct labeling habits You have caused a great disruption within my life. The others have utterly abandoned me in my day of plight. I hope that you are utterly satisfied.

- A orange smurf

The 5th Weekly Letters Thursday

2006-02-23T18:35:00.000-05:00

Dear NMU ThinkPad,

You belong to me, motherfucker. Never forget that. When I speak, you listen. Awe, shit! I'm just kidding. Anyway, thanks for staying alive. It seemed like you were bleeding internally and weren't going to pull through. Seems like God must have thought "Well, Dylan's life is shit enough and I sure as Hell frightened the poor boy this time. Might as well let the little laptop live awhile longer." Yes, this is surely a glorious day. And I think a word of thanks can go out to Microsoft Word with the auto-save. Shit yeah, motherfucker.

Alas, I dream of electric sheep,
- dwatkins@nmu.edu

Comments to 2.23.06

2006-02-23T15:00:00.000-05:00

TrixieBelden said...

Dear Stripes Boy,

I love that you are so enthusiastic. I love that you love the same bands as me. I love talking with you and working with you and joking with you. I love that you want to come to my concerts and that you are so excited about music.But seriously. Stop lying to yourself. Even if you yourself and other people can't see it, you're gay. Let me know when you figure it out.

With sincerest affection,
- Val

Anonymous said...

Dear Bastard,

I know that you love me, and I am over you. You think that you can check my profile, and my away messages, and be a good stalker. Now you want to read my Journol well FUCK OFF ok fine read it, but please realized that you won't like it I got a new journol, and have editied every entery in that damn thing today just so I could keep you from acting like a little nancy If you want to continue to be my friend little bastasrd you are going to need to grow up, or move on, and get a GIRLFRIEND prove to the world that I didnt crush your soul like a defective mirror, and start healing, because if you don't i am going to just up and leave to give you the space you need.

Sincerely,
- The Pissed-off Bitch

Anonymous said...

Poor Monday - Thursday,

It must suck to be the most hated time in a person's life on a weekly bases. You make a lot of people hate themselves temporarily even though you don't really mean to. Too bad you're not as cool as me.

Living the good life,
- The Weekend

Chris Deidrick said...

Dear Skull of Mine Head,

Fuck, Yeah! I hear the pans acclammer
You try to make me new words when no english word can express what I mean
There is a hollow
Inside are some people and antellope
And a gaseous ball of fire in the middle
Absolute center

Eh? Ralph?,
- Me

Nick Gunzburg said...

Dear Oxford University Animal Testing Medical Research Department,

I sympathize with your anguish as you pull the curtains of your windows slightly ajar to see the hundreds of blissfully malicious protestors ranting an ignorant and repetitive battle cry through the university air, bouncing off of the historic buildings and the annoyed students within, off of the 10 dozen police officers on duty to protect and serve by forbidding all access to academic engagements in university labs, and one very angry student who's only wish is to be able to work on the construction of her radio.

With greater sense of humanity,
- An Invited Witness

Letters Thursday: Volume 4

2006-02-16T19:05:00.000-05:00

Dear Bethany,

I don't understand you. I wonder if you were dropped on your head [not when you were born, but] recently? I swear I try pretty hard to keep track of what my condition is in the research we are conducting. When I come in I know whether I am the experimentor or the confederate. I keep track of that shit. It isn't hard. This isn't child's play. This isn't a game. People conducting research are trying to accomplish something. They are trying to seriously find something out about human nature. And you can't even come in knowing what the fuck it is you are supposed to be doing. And quit complaining/mentioning that you live in Negaunee. No one cares. If you need to look unattractive I'm sure you can manage without tripping to home. Besides, your kind of ugly anyway. Now, get out of my face and quit botching the shit out of this experiment.

Unattractive for no good reason,
- U.D.L.

Comments to 2.16.06

2006-02-16T15:00:00.000-05:00

TrixieBelden said...

Dear Old Man,

You got me in trouble last night. I hate being naughty...well...not always...The point is, I KNOW about the Trojan horse incident, I am just not familiar with the specific passages that you quote from the Odessey and the Illiad. It's ok though, I think I still like you...or rather, I'm not sure if I like you at all.

Love,
- Young Stupid Girl in the 2nd Row

Anonymous said...

Dear Crazy Child,

I know that you think that jumping off of tall objects at the back of adults is a great way to gain attnetion, but dont expect to always be caught when you jump off of tables chairs, ladders, and other such tall objects.

Sincerely,

- One who has been Dropped Often

Anonymous said...

Dear Lou Ferrigno,

Not being able to pronounce your name was not as distressing as I thought it might be as I did it in such a way that people thought I was being funny, not dumb. The nickname Big Lou was mentioned so I didn't have to try again. The facts of your life did not excede five minutes, but that may be my fault because I talk fast. Also, I regret to inform you that the small voice cameo you were to make had to be omitted. It just didn't work out, but I assure you we were all very disappointed. On a better note, overall, I think my presentation was not too boring and thanks to some quit interesting pictures I believe that less people had wandering eyes during your life story compared to others.

Thanks for staying green,
- A for Effort

Nick Gunzburg said...

Dear Abandoned Harmonicas,

In a rush, I left you. It was an unententional and tragic mistake. You were a gift from my creator at a special time, and I abandoned you. I cold regret nothing more. The loss of you has kept me up endless nights, the desire for your return has left me depressed and angry, I think about all of the moments we could have had together, all of the wonderfull things we could have acomplished, and i weep with tears of regret. If only I would have been less forgetfull, if only I had stoped to look more carefully, then maybe, maybe you and I would be living a different life, a life together. I yearn for you. I need you. Please, oh please, i wish nothing more than for you to return to me. I am so dreadfuly sorry.

With a bottle neck slide that is half empty,
- A Broken Voice

Thursday, Thursday, Thursday!!!

2006-02-09T06:29:00.000-05:00

Dear Fraudian (See also: Fraudist, Fraud-o-phile, Scoundral, Theif),

Thought you could sneak the camel through the eye of the needle? Fucking Hell, man. I figure if you are pulling this shit off you must be pretty smart. I guess you weren't smart enough this time. It's not that you'll get caught. But at least you did not prevail in your dirty deed. This one sure wasn't dirt cheap though. It could have wasted me or the credit card company about five-hundred-fifty dollars. Get on target. Waste somebody else's "cash". I don't have any.

Intrepidly trepid,
- A Semi-Pleased Citi Cards Customer

Comments to 2.09.06

2006-02-09T03:00:00.000-05:00

Nick Gunzburg said...

Dear Jeff,

You are the draft excluder of the window of my soul.

Yours fantasticly,
-Big Ed

Nick Gunzburg said...

Dear Vegitarian Hamburger,

I stare at you in disbelieve, "how could a sandwich be a vegitarian?" I ask myself. Well there i is only one way to find out. I do apologise for cutting you in two, but your title is most definatly true. You must be a vegitarian, because there are veggies inside of you. Is it wrong to eat vegitarians?

With curious hunger,
-A Green-Card Holder

Nick Gunzburg said...

Dear Thursday,

I could never quite get the hang of you.

From a pub,
-The Last Earthling

TrixieBelden said...

Dear Thursday,

I blame you for this shit. I feel like I am going to vomit...and I have chills...and my head hurts...and it's hard to fall asleep because I feel like such crap. But that won't stop me from taking a second nap. Yeah, I like to complain.

With the greatest hatred,
- Val

Anonymous said...

Dear Portable CD Player,

It's been a fine year or so. You have probably been my closest companion since the day you came into my life. But yesterday... yesterday was that sad inevitable day where you told me, "F 15". I don't really know what that means, but if you are anything like previous CD players I have a feeling that I will have to walk to classes, do homework, and sleep without you. Luckily you have been good to me; you have lasted longer than most of my other CD players. This is most likely the reason why when I learned of your demise I did not throw you against the wall in anger like all the others. You were something special Panasonic SL-SX330 and I'll miss you.

In mourning not anger,
-Relying on the Beat in My own Mind.

Letters Thursday v. 2.0

2006-02-02T18:27:00.000-05:00

Dear Tamborine Man,

Play a song for me. Though you add the same noise to every song you become a part of, you hold a dear place in my heart. Mostly because of your shades. Maybe it's actually your hair. I am not sure what it is about you, but you can take me anywhere. Anytime. If you came to me I would forget about all of my flings of the past. Forget all 'dem bitches and hos. Forget about those silly 'fros. Don't got none if you don't need none. Please touch me, baby, touch me.

Not if you were the last dandy on earth,
- The Merry Making Merry Maker

Comments to 2.02.06

2006-02-02T15:00:00.000-05:00

Nick Gunzburg said...

To the Window through which I Gaze,

On this chilly winters night I stand in shadows peering hopefully through the lens of my scope. Its aim stays locked on the light that you allow to pass through yourself, for within lies the dancing shadows of busy hands near a blue illumination. M S N Seven Point Zero. With a twist, the text becomes clear, and I focus on the name in which I desire, engraved into memory, and later from a pen into skin, and then in a digital form. Nervous and guilty, I send the greeting which can only receive a thousand questions. Lies follow, a thousand lies for a thousand questions. A false future, transparent only to you who is transparent. Can you ever forgive me?

From behind a shaking fabric
- The Distant Shadow

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Coffee,

As if the hour in which I appear to you were not horrible enough now you seem to feel the need to torture me. I don't understand why you make extra comments to me... I'm no better than anyone else, so why the extra attention? Today you spent most of your time hovering behind me making me nervous, very nervous. I don't know weather you hate me or think I might have "potential" but either way your methods are begining to freak me out.

Hoping you'll take a few steps to the right,
- The Shakey Handed Painter

TrixieBelden said...

Dear Dancing Fool,

Wasn't this much more fun than last time? I have never seen such eloquent movements to Britany Spears music, and the way you created magic with No Scrubs...I don't know if you will ever remember the dance-a-thon of 2006, but I think we'll all remember your submissive tendancies.

Enchantingly yours,
- Fucked-up girl

P.S. - Your friends Ice Sucker and Really Really Fucked-up guy are cool too.

The Dawning of Letters Thursday

2006-01-26T19:39:00.000-05:00

Dear Christian Science Monitor,

I read your words. The sentences you give me are clear. Right wing bullshit? I dare-not make such a judgment yet. In fact, found within your strories can be small spurts of liberal etchings. Maybe this has roots in the fact that when science and Christianity merged it was more-or-less an alternative religion. One not with much approval in the Christian domain I may say. Well, good luck to you and me and our tentative three-month relationship. Perhaps we can have our cake and eat it too. But you, sir/maam, are made of paper, so it grosses me the fuck out to eat you.

Keep it sticky,
A Loukinen Corporation

Dear Hat Bill,

Certainly, it had been many a-fucking years that I lived my life without letting you ever get in my way. Yes, you were always behind me, and when not behind me, not with me at all. Now-a-days, I tend to vacillate in a vacuous sort-of way and I now tend to see you in my line of peripheral vision every day. By seeing you I know that the bump I generally find in my hair is being flattened out slowly. It comforts me for when it comes time to take this hat off my head I know I may not look like a total ass. But, I do want to let you know that you bother my whole scope of sight by limiting and obscuring what is to the right and left of me. Come on, you fuckhead!

Stay blue,
Starshine

Comments to 1.26.06

2006-01-26T15:00:00.000-05:00

TrixieBelden said...

Dear Red-Haired Southerner,

Incompetence is in ample supply in this darkened hell hole, and sadly it seems you contain more than your share. How lucky we are to have such a person as you here to teach us what we already learned in high school. I don’t care to see pictures of your family, nor hear stories about your wonderful four-year-old Dalmatian named Laura.“It’s called rectangle.”No shit, bingo.

Ignoringly yours,
- Competent Technology User

Nick Gunzburg said...

Dear Mobile Phone,

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! *SMASH SMASH SMAHS* I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! *SMASH SMASH CRUNCH* I'LL TEAR OPEN YOUR CASSING AND AND POOR THE ACID FROM YOUR BATTERY OVER YOUR MANGLED CIRCUTS AND USE YOUR SIMCARD AS A GUITAR PICK! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! *SMASH SMASH SMASH*

With slight disaffection,
- A Broken Ear

Anonymous said...

Dear Ginourmous Bruise,

I regret to inform you that your size and color are making all the other bruises slightly jealous. They used to equally disgust and annoy me but now you are stealing there attentions. Their only saving grace seems to be the fact that you are in too awkward of a spot for me to show you off. I must admit I am rather proud of you but for the sake of the other bruises feelings it would be quite nice if you faded away just a smidgem.

Always looking out for you,
- The Horrible Hockey Player