The Screen Door is Slammed on Her Eager Little Clitoris

Dear Edumucation,

I don't remember how to spell P-Ter-O-Dac-Tyl or what 7x6 is...or rather, you never taught be those things anyway. Really, everything I need to know I learned in pornogarten:

Share everything. (use condoms to keep those toys clean!)

Play fair. (Everyone deserves a deep dicking)

Don't hit people. (Unless they forget to call you master)

Put things back where you found them. (That's where he LIKES to keep it)

Clean up your own mess. (Baby wipes)

Don't take things that aren't yours. (Unless you're a polyamorist)

Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. (Remember those safety words!)

Wash your hands before you eat. (Double important for meals below the belt)

Flush. (Some people just aren't into that, ok?)

Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. (I'll warm your cookies for you)

Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. (Kama Sutra+body paint+punani poetry+strip club=a very full work day)

Take a nap every afternoon. (Late nights make for good naps)

Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. (Watch out for those fucking seeds)

And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK. (JANE! LOOK AT DICK!)

Lust,
- Your Personal Sexpert