9 Inches and Thick

Dear Ted in Alabama, My Dream Come True, and Biggest Cock This Side of the Mississippi,

Why do you call? I reassure myself by thinking you are more desperate than me. But why do I call? Those nights when it's 2 AM and I come home from the bars alone and I have no one and I'm horny and ten second internet porn clips just won't cut it anymore...I get off on you getting off on me getting off. I'll be your schoolgirl, your naughty secretary, your next door neighbor mowing the lawn...but we both know we mean nothing to each other. You're just a voice, and this is just my hand.

Fuck me harder,
36DD in Detroit

Dear Green Sphere

You are so very squishy,

just like my heart.

-With a slowing tick,
-The Hands of Time.

Polynesian Intuition

Dear Bread Spread,

Too bad she considers it cheating, cause you missed some good lap dances…and apparently looking at titties is worse than getting your &%*! #*@&ed. You only want me when we are outside the pussy whip jurisdiction…you’ll grab my ass in Escanaba but at the Marquette city limits its back to chaste high fives. Your window of opportunity is fast closing; you missed it last time; my rationale, guilt, and respectability (or what is left) will soon take over again.

Love,
The Other Woman