Dear Misguided Elderly

Dear Misguided Elderly,

Your clothes are not quite in style, the colours not quite in nature. Your mind is not all here, your hair is not all yours. Your livers spots slowly align to the shape of the county i live in, and then move away to form a car i once owned. Your words are spoken backward, your smile is not your own. You might miss your medication, the one that holds your education, witch i must say is a limit unmistaken. You say that time holds greater knowledge, but i see you often late. The can you hold is weathered and worn, but you have faith that it will never break. You give your most beaten gaze to the youth misunderstood, misguided, and misevolved. But all the same you sit with me here, and tell me the story of a thursday 37 years before, the day you found your hope. I misunderstand you, as you misunderstand me. A conversation through a barrier of ages. I with open ears and mournful, you with filtered thoughts and grateful.

Thank you for the past,
- The Man on the Clapham Omnibus.

The Screen Door is Slammed on Her Eager Little Clitoris

Dear Edumucation,

I don't remember how to spell P-Ter-O-Dac-Tyl or what 7x6 is...or rather, you never taught be those things anyway. Really, everything I need to know I learned in pornogarten:

Share everything. (use condoms to keep those toys clean!)

Play fair. (Everyone deserves a deep dicking)

Don't hit people. (Unless they forget to call you master)

Put things back where you found them. (That's where he LIKES to keep it)

Clean up your own mess. (Baby wipes)

Don't take things that aren't yours. (Unless you're a polyamorist)

Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. (Remember those safety words!)

Wash your hands before you eat. (Double important for meals below the belt)

Flush. (Some people just aren't into that, ok?)

Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. (I'll warm your cookies for you)

Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. (Kama Sutra+body paint+punani poetry+strip club=a very full work day)

Take a nap every afternoon. (Late nights make for good naps)

Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. (Watch out for those fucking seeds)

And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK. (JANE! LOOK AT DICK!)

Lust,
- Your Personal Sexpert

12 Monkeys, Oh, I mean Letters

Dear Letter Writers,

OK, I'm sorry. I know it has been a long time, I'm sorry. I neglected this wonderful blog for far too long and I am sorry for it. I'm sure you were not expecting this. I'm sure this message may reach you to late, I'm sorry. To those of you that will read this in time: please help me restore this page to it's former letter-rich glory. I am counting on you more than you even imagine. Rest assured, if I have your allegance, I shall return more often. I have once forgotten, I'm sorry, but now I remember.

I am sorry,
- Your Compatriot