The 5th Weekly Letters Thursday

Dear NMU ThinkPad,

You belong to me, motherfucker. Never forget that. When I speak, you listen. Awe, shit! I'm just kidding. Anyway, thanks for staying alive. It seemed like you were bleeding internally and weren't going to pull through. Seems like God must have thought "Well, Dylan's life is shit enough and I sure as Hell frightened the poor boy this time. Might as well let the little laptop live awhile longer." Yes, this is surely a glorious day. And I think a word of thanks can go out to Microsoft Word with the auto-save. Shit yeah, motherfucker.

Alas, I dream of electric sheep,
- dwatkins@nmu.edu

Comments to 2.23.06

TrixieBelden said...

Dear Stripes Boy,

I love that you are so enthusiastic. I love that you love the same bands as me. I love talking with you and working with you and joking with you. I love that you want to come to my concerts and that you are so excited about music.But seriously. Stop lying to yourself. Even if you yourself and other people can't see it, you're gay. Let me know when you figure it out.

With sincerest affection,
- Val

Anonymous said...

Dear Bastard,

I know that you love me, and I am over you. You think that you can check my profile, and my away messages, and be a good stalker. Now you want to read my Journol well FUCK OFF ok fine read it, but please realized that you won't like it I got a new journol, and have editied every entery in that damn thing today just so I could keep you from acting like a little nancy If you want to continue to be my friend little bastasrd you are going to need to grow up, or move on, and get a GIRLFRIEND prove to the world that I didnt crush your soul like a defective mirror, and start healing, because if you don't i am going to just up and leave to give you the space you need.

Sincerely,
- The Pissed-off Bitch

Anonymous said...

Poor Monday - Thursday,

It must suck to be the most hated time in a person's life on a weekly bases. You make a lot of people hate themselves temporarily even though you don't really mean to. Too bad you're not as cool as me.

Living the good life,
- The Weekend

Chris Deidrick said...

Dear Skull of Mine Head,

Fuck, Yeah! I hear the pans acclammer
You try to make me new words when no english word can express what I mean
There is a hollow
Inside are some people and antellope
And a gaseous ball of fire in the middle
Absolute center

Eh? Ralph?,
- Me

Nick Gunzburg said...

Dear Oxford University Animal Testing Medical Research Department,

I sympathize with your anguish as you pull the curtains of your windows slightly ajar to see the hundreds of blissfully malicious protestors ranting an ignorant and repetitive battle cry through the university air, bouncing off of the historic buildings and the annoyed students within, off of the 10 dozen police officers on duty to protect and serve by forbidding all access to academic engagements in university labs, and one very angry student who's only wish is to be able to work on the construction of her radio.

With greater sense of humanity,
- An Invited Witness

Letters Thursday: Volume 4

Dear Bethany,

I don't understand you. I wonder if you were dropped on your head [not when you were born, but] recently? I swear I try pretty hard to keep track of what my condition is in the research we are conducting. When I come in I know whether I am the experimentor or the confederate. I keep track of that shit. It isn't hard. This isn't child's play. This isn't a game. People conducting research are trying to accomplish something. They are trying to seriously find something out about human nature. And you can't even come in knowing what the fuck it is you are supposed to be doing. And quit complaining/mentioning that you live in Negaunee. No one cares. If you need to look unattractive I'm sure you can manage without tripping to home. Besides, your kind of ugly anyway. Now, get out of my face and quit botching the shit out of this experiment.

Unattractive for no good reason,
- U.D.L.

Comments to 2.16.06

TrixieBelden said...

Dear Old Man,

You got me in trouble last night. I hate being naughty...well...not always...The point is, I KNOW about the Trojan horse incident, I am just not familiar with the specific passages that you quote from the Odessey and the Illiad. It's ok though, I think I still like you...or rather, I'm not sure if I like you at all.

Love,
- Young Stupid Girl in the 2nd Row

Anonymous said...

Dear Crazy Child,

I know that you think that jumping off of tall objects at the back of adults is a great way to gain attnetion, but dont expect to always be caught when you jump off of tables chairs, ladders, and other such tall objects.

Sincerely,

- One who has been Dropped Often

Anonymous said...

Dear Lou Ferrigno,

Not being able to pronounce your name was not as distressing as I thought it might be as I did it in such a way that people thought I was being funny, not dumb. The nickname Big Lou was mentioned so I didn't have to try again. The facts of your life did not excede five minutes, but that may be my fault because I talk fast. Also, I regret to inform you that the small voice cameo you were to make had to be omitted. It just didn't work out, but I assure you we were all very disappointed. On a better note, overall, I think my presentation was not too boring and thanks to some quit interesting pictures I believe that less people had wandering eyes during your life story compared to others.

Thanks for staying green,
- A for Effort

Nick Gunzburg said...

Dear Abandoned Harmonicas,

In a rush, I left you. It was an unententional and tragic mistake. You were a gift from my creator at a special time, and I abandoned you. I cold regret nothing more. The loss of you has kept me up endless nights, the desire for your return has left me depressed and angry, I think about all of the moments we could have had together, all of the wonderfull things we could have acomplished, and i weep with tears of regret. If only I would have been less forgetfull, if only I had stoped to look more carefully, then maybe, maybe you and I would be living a different life, a life together. I yearn for you. I need you. Please, oh please, i wish nothing more than for you to return to me. I am so dreadfuly sorry.

With a bottle neck slide that is half empty,
- A Broken Voice

Thursday, Thursday, Thursday!!!

Dear Fraudian (See also: Fraudist, Fraud-o-phile, Scoundral, Theif),

Thought you could sneak the camel through the eye of the needle? Fucking Hell, man. I figure if you are pulling this shit off you must be pretty smart. I guess you weren't smart enough this time. It's not that you'll get caught. But at least you did not prevail in your dirty deed. This one sure wasn't dirt cheap though. It could have wasted me or the credit card company about five-hundred-fifty dollars. Get on target. Waste somebody else's "cash". I don't have any.

Intrepidly trepid,
- A Semi-Pleased Citi Cards Customer

Comments to 2.09.06

Nick Gunzburg said...

Dear Jeff,

You are the draft excluder of the window of my soul.

Yours fantasticly,
-Big Ed

Nick Gunzburg said...

Dear Vegitarian Hamburger,

I stare at you in disbelieve, "how could a sandwich be a vegitarian?" I ask myself. Well there i is only one way to find out. I do apologise for cutting you in two, but your title is most definatly true. You must be a vegitarian, because there are veggies inside of you. Is it wrong to eat vegitarians?

With curious hunger,
-A Green-Card Holder

Nick Gunzburg said...

Dear Thursday,

I could never quite get the hang of you.

From a pub,
-The Last Earthling

TrixieBelden said...

Dear Thursday,

I blame you for this shit. I feel like I am going to vomit...and I have chills...and my head hurts...and it's hard to fall asleep because I feel like such crap. But that won't stop me from taking a second nap. Yeah, I like to complain.

With the greatest hatred,
- Val

Anonymous said...

Dear Portable CD Player,

It's been a fine year or so. You have probably been my closest companion since the day you came into my life. But yesterday... yesterday was that sad inevitable day where you told me, "F 15". I don't really know what that means, but if you are anything like previous CD players I have a feeling that I will have to walk to classes, do homework, and sleep without you. Luckily you have been good to me; you have lasted longer than most of my other CD players. This is most likely the reason why when I learned of your demise I did not throw you against the wall in anger like all the others. You were something special Panasonic SL-SX330 and I'll miss you.

In mourning not anger,
-Relying on the Beat in My own Mind.

Letters Thursday v. 2.0

Dear Tamborine Man,

Play a song for me. Though you add the same noise to every song you become a part of, you hold a dear place in my heart. Mostly because of your shades. Maybe it's actually your hair. I am not sure what it is about you, but you can take me anywhere. Anytime. If you came to me I would forget about all of my flings of the past. Forget all 'dem bitches and hos. Forget about those silly 'fros. Don't got none if you don't need none. Please touch me, baby, touch me.

Not if you were the last dandy on earth,
- The Merry Making Merry Maker

Comments to 2.02.06

Nick Gunzburg said...

To the Window through which I Gaze,

On this chilly winters night I stand in shadows peering hopefully through the lens of my scope. Its aim stays locked on the light that you allow to pass through yourself, for within lies the dancing shadows of busy hands near a blue illumination. M S N Seven Point Zero. With a twist, the text becomes clear, and I focus on the name in which I desire, engraved into memory, and later from a pen into skin, and then in a digital form. Nervous and guilty, I send the greeting which can only receive a thousand questions. Lies follow, a thousand lies for a thousand questions. A false future, transparent only to you who is transparent. Can you ever forgive me?

From behind a shaking fabric
- The Distant Shadow

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Coffee,

As if the hour in which I appear to you were not horrible enough now you seem to feel the need to torture me. I don't understand why you make extra comments to me... I'm no better than anyone else, so why the extra attention? Today you spent most of your time hovering behind me making me nervous, very nervous. I don't know weather you hate me or think I might have "potential" but either way your methods are begining to freak me out.

Hoping you'll take a few steps to the right,
- The Shakey Handed Painter

TrixieBelden said...

Dear Dancing Fool,

Wasn't this much more fun than last time? I have never seen such eloquent movements to Britany Spears music, and the way you created magic with No Scrubs...I don't know if you will ever remember the dance-a-thon of 2006, but I think we'll all remember your submissive tendancies.

Enchantingly yours,
- Fucked-up girl

P.S. - Your friends Ice Sucker and Really Really Fucked-up guy are cool too.